Well, it's been a while....
5 months and countless tests later, reading over those two old entries still makes me cry. Those feelings are still there, still palpable. Even though it's definitely easier now to get out of bed in the morning, do what I need to do, try to be social...things still don't feel quite right. It occurred to me a while ago that this is one of those things that I'll likely never "get over." Like most significant losses, I'm learning to walk around with it, to let it become part of who I am, of my story... and it definitely has changed me, for better or worse.
I am always going to wonder who that kid might have been. I will always wonder - why did I find out on my birthday? Which was also the same day as my father's retirement party- it truly felt like, as a family, everyone was getting ready to move on to the next chapter. Why did one of my best friends predict it was going to happen that week, and then it did, and then it didn't? Why did we get a mislabeled furniture delivery a few days after we found out, with one of our favorite baby names stamped across the side in big, bold letters? Why... why did it feel so serendipitous, so gorgeously timed with a summer due date, the perfect birthday gift- and then so quickly ripped away?
I have all kinds of medical data now that I didn't have 5 months ago, data that offers potential explanations as to "why." But none of it makes me feel any better about what happened, or makes the loss sting any less. What it DOES do, however, is arm me with a few more defenses, a few more tricks, a few more reasons to believe that maybe this won't happen again. Still knowing, at the end of the day, there are no guarantees.
I am trying so hard to push away the "why not me" thoughts....but it is so, so hard. When I can't turn the corner at work without bumping into someone with a baby bump. When every other Facebook post is a pregnancy announcement or picture of a newborn. When the radio DJ of the morning show I listen to on my commute announces that she, too, you guessed it- is pregnant.
I have to believe that there is a reason for this God awful wait. This is the worst wait I think I've ever had...and I've had some pretty bad waits. Granted, my patience isn't so wonderful for life situations (I think I use up all of my patience with my students, and then have nothing left for anything else)....but this. Is. So. Hard.
For the first time this week, I felt more ready to move forward, to get unstuck from the grief, to try and reap the benefits of months of testing and doctors and research to finally make this happen. It can't be forced...but maybe with a little letting go, and a lot of moving forward, I can inch closer to her, or to him, or to whoever is coming...
5 months and countless tests later, reading over those two old entries still makes me cry. Those feelings are still there, still palpable. Even though it's definitely easier now to get out of bed in the morning, do what I need to do, try to be social...things still don't feel quite right. It occurred to me a while ago that this is one of those things that I'll likely never "get over." Like most significant losses, I'm learning to walk around with it, to let it become part of who I am, of my story... and it definitely has changed me, for better or worse.
I am always going to wonder who that kid might have been. I will always wonder - why did I find out on my birthday? Which was also the same day as my father's retirement party- it truly felt like, as a family, everyone was getting ready to move on to the next chapter. Why did one of my best friends predict it was going to happen that week, and then it did, and then it didn't? Why did we get a mislabeled furniture delivery a few days after we found out, with one of our favorite baby names stamped across the side in big, bold letters? Why... why did it feel so serendipitous, so gorgeously timed with a summer due date, the perfect birthday gift- and then so quickly ripped away?
I have all kinds of medical data now that I didn't have 5 months ago, data that offers potential explanations as to "why." But none of it makes me feel any better about what happened, or makes the loss sting any less. What it DOES do, however, is arm me with a few more defenses, a few more tricks, a few more reasons to believe that maybe this won't happen again. Still knowing, at the end of the day, there are no guarantees.
I am trying so hard to push away the "why not me" thoughts....but it is so, so hard. When I can't turn the corner at work without bumping into someone with a baby bump. When every other Facebook post is a pregnancy announcement or picture of a newborn. When the radio DJ of the morning show I listen to on my commute announces that she, too, you guessed it- is pregnant.
I have to believe that there is a reason for this God awful wait. This is the worst wait I think I've ever had...and I've had some pretty bad waits. Granted, my patience isn't so wonderful for life situations (I think I use up all of my patience with my students, and then have nothing left for anything else)....but this. Is. So. Hard.
For the first time this week, I felt more ready to move forward, to get unstuck from the grief, to try and reap the benefits of months of testing and doctors and research to finally make this happen. It can't be forced...but maybe with a little letting go, and a lot of moving forward, I can inch closer to her, or to him, or to whoever is coming...
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