Well, it's been a while.... 5 months and countless tests later, reading over those two old entries still makes me cry. Those feelings are still there, still palpable. Even though it's definitely easier now to get out of bed in the morning, do what I need to do, try to be social...things still don't feel quite right. It occurred to me a while ago that this is one of those things that I'll likely never "get over." Like most significant losses, I'm learning to walk around with it, to let it become part of who I am, of my story... and it definitely has changed me, for better or worse. I am always going to wonder who that kid might have been. I will always wonder - why did I find out on my birthday? Which was also the same day as my father's retirement party- it truly felt like, as a family, everyone was getting ready to move on to the next chapter. Why did one of my best friends predict it was going to happen that week, and then it did, and then ...
Well, now I finally get why they say that the holidays can be a really hard time for some people. I don't want to be this person that I feel myself turning into. Bitter, angry, unable to look at pictures with infants, irrationally mad at my pregnant friends or friends with young kids. I have always said that my friends are my family, and it's true. They're some of the most important people in my life. But lately I don't want to see any of them, or really even talk to any of them. The only people I really want to talk to are the people who have been through this, the people who get it, who know what it's like to physically feel the thing you wanted the most in the world literally slip away. I don't think I will ever forget what that felt like; within a matter of hours, my body just letting go. My doctor said I have some kind of blood clotting disorder. I have to go back to see her after the holidays, but she said it is treatable. I be...