mis-, prefix

I'm a lot of things, but at the end of the day, I'm an English major.  I love words.  I'm good at words, I'm good with words.  So, I looked it up on dictionary.com.

The word origin for the prefix "mis-" is:

a prefix applied to various parts of speech, meaning “ill,” “mistaken,”“wrong,” “wrongly,” “incorrectly,” or simply negating:

mistrial; misprint; mistrust.

Then I looked it up on Cambridge English Dictionary.  It said:

added to the beginning of a verb or word formed from a verb, to show that the action referred to by the verb has been done wrongly or badly: 

I never said that! You must have misheard me.

His misbehaviour eventually led to him being expelled from school.

Then, because crappy things come in three's, I tried Webster's: 

1. a: badly, wrongly

2. b: unfavorably

3. c: opposite or lack of

4. not

So clearly, when the prefix "mis" comes before a root or base word, it means that the action or object implied by the word has been done or created incorrectly, or poorly, or the wrong way.  

When I went to the doctor last Friday, crying and bleeding and clutching my abdomen, knowing exactly what was happening but powerless to stop it, and she told me I was having a miscarriage, because I am so good with words, and I know my roots and prefixes, the first thoughts I had were: "I carried wrong, I carried badly, I carried incorrectly, I carried the wrong way..." and on and on down the useless rabbit hole of thinking that this was clearly something I had done wrong.  Wonderland isn't coming, the hole leads to nowhere.

Then I read this powerful editorial from The New York Times (2015):
Just An Ordinary Miscarriage

This author so astutely pointed out that the word itself inevitably implies that yes, something was done or carried or handled incorrectly.  Words are powerful.  So powerful, in fact, that they can make a medical phenomenon feel like an act of intent.  What she also points out in that editorial is that the actual clinical term for it, spontaneous abortion (which, by the way, is what it says all over my doctor's reports, and the word "miscarriage" does not appear anywhere) is really the more accurate description for what happens when your body, for whatever reason, says no to the pregnancy.  It just...leaves you.  

It was almost a week ago now, but for a brief moment each morning I have woken up since then I forget that it happened.  I put my hand on my belly to say good morning, I try not to roll over on to my side because I expect the pressure to be painful on my chest.  Then, I realize that all of those sensations are gone.  The feeling of the flipped switch, the deflated balloon... I start to wake up and remember and all of the grief comes back.

Yesterday I went back to work, because I couldn't spend another day crying on the couch in worn out pajamas.  I gave myself a lot of credit just for showing up (and let me tell you, typically I am my own worst enemy and critic - but this time, I gave myself a pat on the back).  I give ANYONE who shows up to their job after this happens a lot of credit.  It takes a level of bravery.  Of courage.  Screw miscarriage.  Forget the mis.  Try to take on courage.  And try, one awful, slow motion, heavy day at a time, to carry on - because there was never a problem with the *carrying* at all.   

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