Well, now I finally get why they say that the holidays can be a really hard time for some people.
I don't want to be this person that I feel myself turning into. Bitter, angry, unable to look at pictures with infants, irrationally mad at my pregnant friends or friends with young kids. I have always said that my friends are my family, and it's true. They're some of the most important people in my life. But lately I don't want to see any of them, or really even talk to any of them. The only people I really want to talk to are the people who have been through this, the people who get it, who know what it's like to physically feel the thing you wanted the most in the world literally slip away. I don't think I will ever forget what that felt like; within a matter of hours, my body just letting go.
My doctor said I have some kind of blood clotting disorder. I have to go back to see her after the holidays, but she said it is treatable. I believe her, but I still don't feel an ounce of hope or spark of light anywhere. I don't even know if that's definitely the reason why this happened. Everyone keeps telling me not to stress, it will happen again....maybe they're right, but I don't believe them in my heartbroken guts right now. And I can't stop thinking about how perfect the timing was, what might have been. I really felt like it was divine intervention, and then it was just over.
It's been a month now and while I did go back to work, back to school, back to the day to day grind, inside I don't really feel any better. I still feel the loss, the shock, and every bit of the anger and sadness I felt the minute I knew it was over.
The only thing I do believe is that great things are worth waiting for. Every social media post of a friend with their babies, every pregnancy announcement ("Guess who found out they're going to be a big sister this Christmas!!"), every sonogram picture that someone posts, every glimpse into someone's personal life that Facebook and Instagram have normalized, makes me mad all over again, impatient, intensely jealous and frustrated, and over and over: Why them and not me? Will I always be taking care of other people's kids? And then I try to tell myself - perhaps there is a reason I am forced to wait, maybe there are great things coming in the new year...and my brain sends the message, but my heart isn't getting it.
Maybe when the ball drops, and the year is officially over...maybe I'll start feeling better then.
I don't want to be this person that I feel myself turning into. Bitter, angry, unable to look at pictures with infants, irrationally mad at my pregnant friends or friends with young kids. I have always said that my friends are my family, and it's true. They're some of the most important people in my life. But lately I don't want to see any of them, or really even talk to any of them. The only people I really want to talk to are the people who have been through this, the people who get it, who know what it's like to physically feel the thing you wanted the most in the world literally slip away. I don't think I will ever forget what that felt like; within a matter of hours, my body just letting go.
My doctor said I have some kind of blood clotting disorder. I have to go back to see her after the holidays, but she said it is treatable. I believe her, but I still don't feel an ounce of hope or spark of light anywhere. I don't even know if that's definitely the reason why this happened. Everyone keeps telling me not to stress, it will happen again....maybe they're right, but I don't believe them in my heartbroken guts right now. And I can't stop thinking about how perfect the timing was, what might have been. I really felt like it was divine intervention, and then it was just over.
It's been a month now and while I did go back to work, back to school, back to the day to day grind, inside I don't really feel any better. I still feel the loss, the shock, and every bit of the anger and sadness I felt the minute I knew it was over.
The only thing I do believe is that great things are worth waiting for. Every social media post of a friend with their babies, every pregnancy announcement ("Guess who found out they're going to be a big sister this Christmas!!"), every sonogram picture that someone posts, every glimpse into someone's personal life that Facebook and Instagram have normalized, makes me mad all over again, impatient, intensely jealous and frustrated, and over and over: Why them and not me? Will I always be taking care of other people's kids? And then I try to tell myself - perhaps there is a reason I am forced to wait, maybe there are great things coming in the new year...and my brain sends the message, but my heart isn't getting it.
Maybe when the ball drops, and the year is officially over...maybe I'll start feeling better then.
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